What is Consent?
Why it’s more than just saying yes or no
When you hear the word consent, what comes to mind? For most people, it is the simple "yes" or "no" around agreeing to sex, which you might have learned in a classroom or seen on social media. And yes, at its core, to consent means agreeing to something. Simple, right? Well, not quite.
Let’s dig a little deeper.
The basics we’re taught
Consent education often tries to simplify things to make them easy to understand. You might have heard of FRIES, which stands for Freely Given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific, a definition made popular by Planned Parenthood. Or perhaps you have seen the famous Cup of Tea analogy, which suggests that if someone does not want tea, you do not force them to drink it, just like with sex.
These are great starting points because they highlight that consent is about choice. But real-life situations are not always that simple.
For example:
Is it just as easy to say "no" to a cup of tea from your boss as it is from your best friend?
Do you always feel an enthusiastic “Hell Yeah!” before an experience you want to have?
If you are nervous, shy, or uncertain, does that mean you are not consenting?
The truth is, these definitions simplify consent to make it teachable, but they do not always capture its complexity.
Legal definitions help, but only so far
The law draws a line between what is legal and illegal. It is important, but it is also the bare minimum in consent.
Legal definitions of consent focus on avoiding harm to yourself or others, or avoiding breaking the law, but they do not teach us how to create better, more connected, and more fulfilling experiences with each other. Focusing only on avoiding harm is like being told not to think about a pink elephant. It keeps our attention stuck on the problem, rather than helping us practise trust, care, and mutual respect.
Consent in real life is about how we relate, listen, and care for ourselves and others. When we strengthen our relational skills, we do not just build better connections. We also grow the protective foundations that prevent harm in the first place.
Consent is not just permission
Many people still think of consent as simply getting permission.
In this model:
One person wants something the other person has control over.
The other person either gives permission or does not.
This permission-based view appears everywhere. It can reinforce outdated and unhelpful ideas, like women being gatekeepers and men being pursuers. It can also make consent feel like a one-time transaction rather than an ongoing, mutual experience.
Even with concepts like affirmative consent, where you aim to get a clear yes, the focus often stays stuck on getting permission instead of building shared experiences.
When we teach consent only in this way, we miss something important.
Where confusion can creep in
Even when we know the basic rules of consent, putting them into practice can be much harder.
Real-life situations are rarely simple. Power differences, emotions, and changing feelings can all make it difficult to know what we want, what we need, or how to respond. Understanding consent in theory is not the same as living it moment by moment.
This gap between theory and practice often leads to confusion. Common questions like "Do I need to get her to sign a contract?" or "What exact steps do I have to follow to make sure it is consent?" show how easily consent can be misunderstood as a rigid set of rules to obey.
We need more than permission
Consent is not simply about ticking boxes or getting access to another person’s body. It is about two or more people actively creating an experience together, tuning into their own desires, boundaries, and needs, and caring for each other's experiences as well.
It involves:
Feeling free to say yes, no, maybe, or something else
Checking in throughout the experience
Recognising that consent is ongoing, dynamic, and co-created
To move beyond permission, we need more than clear words. We need to connect with what is happening in our bodies. To notice what we feel, want, and need, and sensing the same in others. This embodied awareness forms the heart of genuine consent.
A deeper look at consent
The word consent comes from the Latin words con and sentire, meaning "to feel together." At its roots, consent is about connection, shared understanding, and attunement between people. It is about empathy.
Real consent is something we feel, sense, and practise through our whole being, moment by moment, with ourselves and with others.
It calls us to:
Stay present with ourselves and with each other
Sense and respond to changing needs and feelings
Make choices that honour both self and others
Embodiment, the practice of tuning into our inner experiences and trusting what we sense, is what makes this possible. Without embodiment, we might follow the "rules" but miss what is actually happening inside us or others.
Importantly, consent is not just for sexual encounters or new relationships. It matters just as much in long-term partnerships, friendships, families, workplaces, and every setting where human connection is at play.
Consent is the art of creating great relating, built on embodiment, empathy, mutual care, and authentic choice. In another article, I explore embodiment more deeply, looking at what it really means, why it matters, and how it shapes the way we connect with ourselves and each other, you can check that out here.
We believe consent is a living skill.
One that grows through embodied practice, reflection, and care. Moving beyond rules and permission and into full, felt connection opens the door to more joyful, resilient, and caring relationships. Ready to deepen your skills? Let’s explore what’s possible, together.